scare.

The joke over Christmas was that I would go into labour while in Cape Breton, delivering in the backwoods of Judique, or, at the very least, the hospital in Sydney. Luckily, that did not happen. The week that we were in CB she was very busy, I felt movements like I've never felt before: strong, intense, definitely following a pattern of activity. While sitting on the couch in Judique I watched her little leg travel across my belly. It was amazing. Pregnancy completely amazes me.

On the morning of the 31st we had our first terrifying experience as parents and began to realize how fully our lives will change once she's here. The night we got home I noticed that she wasn't moving at all, the things I had gotten used to feeling each evening laying on the couch weren't happening. I wondered if she was sleeping, I've read that past 36 weeks they begin to go into a regular pattern of waking and sleeping... maybe she was tired from the drive? News Year Eve day we woke up and walked down to the market and I realized I still wasn't feeling her moving. Now her regular morning routine wasn't happening either. I came home, layed down, drank a cold glass of water and began to wait to feel her. Also at this point, it's recommended that you monitor the movements, as you should feel between 6-10 in an hour. Little baby girl wasn't moving at all. Matthew had gone across the street for a cappucino and newspaper and I decided to phone the after hours number at the IWK for some advice. Upon hearing the friendly voice of the nurse on the other end I burst into tears and explained how worried I was that I couldn't feel my baby moving. Every horror story that every person and stranger has felt the need to share with me over the past 9 months was running through my brain constantly and I realized I was really scared. She told me to come in immediately. So we had our first trial run of getting to the hospital: I phoned Matthew, he ran out of the cafe and was here in 2 minutes, he phoned a cab, here in 5 minutes, at the hospital in less than 15 minutes.

I was assessed and admitted and the absolutely wonderful and amazing nurses at the IWK monitored her and I for 2 hours to ensure that her heartbeat was strong (yes!) her movements were regular (yes!) and that I was not experiencing contractions (no!).  In addition to being a trial run of getting to the hospital quickly, it also calmed some of my fears about actually being in the hospital, as the nurses were so completely lovely and wonderful. So lovely. We also realized, holy shit, she could be born today. Luckily, she wasn't. The doctor did tell me that she has the potential to be coming along at any time now, as she suspected that the absence of movement, followed by a very different feeling of movement most likely means that she's running of room and getting ready to come. Needless to say, last night we wrote out our birth plan, posted taxi numbers, put our doulas number in our phones, I'm washing all of her clothes today, and our hospital bags are now packed. No more s-ing around. She's coming!

But just like some of the thoughts I was having before we went for our ultrasound to determine if we were having a boy or girl, I realized again how much other people get into your head. And how unfair and useless that is at a time when you are trying to wrap your own head about what is happening. Also, how it seems to be a much more common experience to share the negative as opposed to the good. I've begun to ask people to stop telling me their horror stories of pregnancy, labour & delivery. Of their stresses of being brand new parents. And when I do, I feel them tense or look at me strangely. Or ignore me and continue as they think I'm being funny or ironic. I also make a point of thanking the people that share their joys and successes with us. I don't particularly care for peoples opinions most of the time, and do my best to keep my own thoughts to myself or those that are closest to me. I don't watch horror movies or scary movies for a reason: I can never forget them. And when people tell me equally scary things about giving birth, I have a habit of not forgetting them either.

So maybe I'm doing the same thing by sharing my scary story, I don't know. But the doctor and nurses all told us we did the right thing by coming in and to trust my intuition and be aware of myself and this little girl inside of me. All things that I've strived to do for the last 9 months as I get to know myself better, her, and my own body. And for M. and I, this was our first real learning experience as parents together. A realization of what that feeling is, when you're a parent. And we rocked it. Together.

Happy 2012 friends. I'm looking forward to a crazy year.