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Dear Baby,

Can I convince you to come out by buying you more outfits? That was my plan today. I didn't notice until I got home that I bought you TWO denim dresses. Yes! Those are also leaf green cords with a ruffle on the edge for next fall that make me really happy. And remember those pink chucks that Carla bought you? Yep, they go with that denim dress and pink cardigan. 

made.

I think I am officially crafted out. My sewing machine broke the other day, so even if I felt like there was more I wanted to make, I'd be outta luck. I finally finished this knitted blanket that I LOVE. I learned a lot from this project, it was relatively simple and I learned a new stitch, the seed stitch, which I also love. It's warm and cozy and perfect for a winter baby. I also made a few little bags for traveling and a matching receiving blanket for one. I need to order more of that elephant fabric. It brings me pure joy.  My sewing skills still are not great, but improving. I found trimming the blanket with my favourite Amy Butler fabric much more difficult than anticipated. But overall, I'm happy with the results!

lemons.

By the hammer of Thor. This is solid. I'm going to just keep watching 30 Rock till the baby comes out.

expectations XII.

So little baby, it's official, you decided not to come on your due date. We've gone a whole weekend again without you. You will keep us guessing and on our toes. Okay, I can accept that. I walked to the grocery store on Friday as the snow started to fall in Halifax and thought about birthdays. Months ago, while daydreaming, I envisioned a future birthday party of yours, maybe your 4th or 5th? And in it, your whole family was gathered at Nana & Papas in Judique. You had so many cousins and friends there, your Papa was bbq-ing (his favourite) and everyone was running around the lawn, playing games, dancing, laughing and having fun. I quickly realized though, I was envisioning the summer! You are a winter baby. And I thought, oh no, I don't know what to do with a winter baby? How do you celebrate winter birthdays? I had all kinds of great ideas:

+ outdoor skating with hot chocolate (of course!)
+ sledding!
+ a trip to a maple farm with a sleigh ride through the woods!
+ a craft/pajama/pizza party
+ a dance party!

So many ideas! I really can't wait. I remind you though, let's aim for January, okay?

Love Mama.

feist.

also, your mama has been listening to this album on repeat. I would be shocked if you came out not loving Feist. I wonder what, if any, affect it may have on you once you're here with us. As I listen to it now I can feel your feet kicking up at the top of my belly. Anyway, this is my most favourite song these days. And I think it's a great one for today.

expectations XI.

Dear Baby,

Today is the day, it's finally here. January 27. Your dad and I have had this date in our heads for months and months. Neither of us could sleep last night. However, I'm quite certain you've decided not to be born today. I don't think you're ready yet. And that's okay. We're just so eager to meet you little baby.

We went to the doctor yesterday and both you and I are doing great. You are doing what you are supposed to be doing and getting ready. And my body is getting ready as well. We heard your heartbeat and I cried. I pictured you inside of me, fully grown and ready to go, just hanging out, sometimes getting the hiccups, using your feet to kick my ribs, and your elbows to poke out of my sides. We are overwhelmed with how much we love you and you're not even here yet. We haven't met you.

So we won't have a birthday today. That's okay. It's supposed to be a nasty snowstorm today anyway. You and I will settle in for the day and not do much of anything. I have a blanket to finish knitting for you. If you could come in the next few days though, that would be great. I don't think I can wait until February. That seems like forever.

Love Mama.

happy.

Did you know there is a World Happy Day? Me neither! But I'm kinda excited about it now. Here's a trailer for a movie and a link to the webpage. I think it looks fun. Especially in a blah month like February.

Here in Halifax they are screening it at Halifax Yoga on Feb 11 at 5.30pm. I wonder if that's something the baby would be happy with in a sling on me? Definitely worth a try, I think. Have a happy day!

Happy - A Documentary Trailer from Wadi Rum Films on Vimeo.

waiting.

It's January 25. I keep waking up each morning expecting to feel 'different'. Then quickly become disappointed when I realize I don't. I feel exactly the same. Which I guess is a good thing? I've been keeping busy but then remember that I would much rather be kept busy taking care of our new little baby. That's what I'd like to be doing. Oh well. Soon enough, right? The only significant change I notice is that she is low in my belly and making it really difficult to walk these days. I understand now why pregnant women walk the way they do. They have a head and a spinal column in there. Yikes.

Here are a few things that are keeping me occupied:

+ thinking/planning a weekend trip to PEI this summer with M's family. Baby girl will be 6 months old and her 3 and a half year old cousin has already offered to teach her how to use the toilet! Envisioning pictures of the 2 of them at the beach together makes me mushy inside.

+ banana/chocolate chip muffins. I've been making them (and eating them) by the dozen!

+ getting her diaper bag ready to go and putting her carseat at the front door. Both of these tasks resulting in me crying? Things are definitely happening with my hormones.

+ this website, where I came across these diagrams (and funny descriptions)  of co-sleeping. I think my favourite is 'the stalker'

http://www.howtobeadad.com/

Happy Wednesday! Hopefully me blogging this morning will ease the mind of my mother, mother-in-law, aunts, friends away and everyone else that is panicked/excited assuming that I'm going into labour right now. Apparently my lack of activity on Facebook and/or blogging is a sure sign to those that are away that it's happening. Sorry guys! Trust me, you'll know! I can feel your love & thoughts though, thank you. 

one week.

I didn't hibernate today after all. I walked to the grocery store to get the supplies needed to make one large batch of cauliflower cheese soup and many batches of fresh ravioli. I realized there is room in our freezer and I feel like filling it up! I'm also having a love affair with the cheese, baguette & olives I bought for lunch. Yum.

Walking home I remembered, oh my god, I'm ONE week away from my due date! It's all I've been talking/thinking about for oh.. NINE months, and here we are! ONE week away.

I also wanted to post this article that my sister-in-law posted on Facebook. I really enjoyed reading it and wanted to share.

Hopefully in one week, I'll be taking one of these. Amazing. Found here.

january.

It's Friday, January 20. It's going to snow today. A few things on my mind this morning:

+ The Head & The Heart. You can listen to Sounds like Hallelujah (and 3 others) here. Facebook tells me daily that they are on tour and criss-crossing across great cities in the USA. I want to go to St. Louis. And Tennessee. And Oklahoma. And Idaho. Torontonians, go see them at the Opera House. The Opera House! I haven't been there since high school.

+ I may not leave the house today. That would make 3 days this week of complete hibernation. I have a book to finish. A blanket to finish. And a new project to start.

+ The daily changes in my body blow my mind. Every day I feel a little bit different. And the pain level increases gradually, I hope this is 'easing' me into what's to come? I hope. Because it feels like I had the most intense pilates workout of my life and I haven't done anything yet. My legs, my hips, my back, my knees, my feet! ouch. I'm not going to get worked up about it though. I'm not going to loose my shit. Not yet, anyway.

+ lentil burgers, roasted potatoes, apple salad, Arnold Palmers and chocolate tofu pie from the Wooden Monkey. We're having a dinner out this weekend!

+ A shoulder continually pokes out of my left side.I love it and it makes me smile every time it happens. She's been in the same position now for weeks and I've gotten to know the parts of her body. Her shoulder, her bum, her heels. Sometimes it's so intense it feels like she is doing a handstand and using the top of my uterus for leverage.

+ I hope it's going to be a beautiful weekend.

+ I will miss rubbing my belly. I will miss it a lot.

+ the best advice I've read for new mamas: 'all that really matters, the most important thing of all, is to hold them and take care of yourself'. Yes! I'm the type of person that needs reminders to slow things down, be in the moment and not get overwhelmed by 'doing' or by 'stuff'. And when I do remember to live this way, I'm a better person. I feel better, I am better and I'm much better to be around.  So bringing it back to this, I will strive to make this my mantra. I've said that my 'plan' for the first 3 months is to not have a plan. To simply hold her, and get to know her, and figure out who she is. We're going to take it day by day. I'm going to figure out how to be a mama and she is going to figure out what a routine is, which simply involves eating & sleeping (veteran mamas, please don't laugh!). And I'm going to take care of myself and nourish myself, otherwise there won't be much left over to give to her. Or to M. And we're a family, us three. And aren't I fortunate to be in a position to do just that. Yes, I'm sure I am.

Happy Friday.

expectations X.

Dear Babe,

I am 11 days away from my due date and anxiously hoping that you come any day now. Patience is something I have never been good at, you will learn that about me, I assume. It's Tuesday and so far this week I've made 24 mini spanokapitas, 2 dozen muffins, cleaned the apartment (again), done 3 loads of laundry, scrubbed the sink (!) had 2 baths and 2 showers, and have almost completed a knitted blanket for you. A blanket. Blankets are large. I also went to the market this morning and realized that no one goes to the market on Tuesdays because only 2 vendors are there and one of them only sells apples. Whoops. I've also watched 3 very shitty movies. Oh, I also made you a mobile for over your crib but can't figure out how to hang it up into a concrete ceiling. That makes me unhappy. And as I type, I realize how honestly I come by this, as your nana has been sewing like crazy for you, making 2 fleece sleep sacs, 2 flannel crib sheets and a bassinet cover for you... in the last 2 days as well.

Every night your dad and I just look at eachother and think .... really? anytime now? why not right now? Because we are ready. There's nothing left to do. Our home has never been cleaner, tidier or more organized. Your dad can't sleep and most nights, neither can I. We are ready for you. We can't wait to meet you.

And I just came across this picture and prior to my previous assertion that there would be no bedskirt/dust ruffle on your crib, I'm pretty certain we now need to fashion something resembling this. And should probably paint your crib yellow. At least now I have something to do for the rest of the week.

Love Mama.

emotions.

What a wacky day. Either the impending snow or the presence of a full moon this week has everyone acting all crazy.

I decided to book the Car Share today last minute to run to the mall before my prenatal appointment this afternoon. I decided I needed real french fries and also a comfortable outfit to wear in the hospital after this little girl comes out.I walked over to the parking lot and the car wasn't there. hmmmm?  A half an hour came and went and the Car Share was no where to be seen. Peculiar. This has never happened before. I called the office, cancelled my reservation and came home. They thanked me for my patience and understanding. No biggie. Once I got here though,  I thought, no, god dammit, I want fries. I went online and booked the car that is a little bit further away and thought, well, I could use the walk.

A successful trip to the mall, delicious (large size) fries supreme and one unfortunate episode where I sneezed and accidentally peed my pants (uncomfortable....) and I'm on my way back downtown to park the car and walk to the hospital for my appointment. As I'm sitting at the 4 way stop at Queen & Morris waiting for the pedestrians in front of me to cross the crosswalk I hear the guy behind me beeping his horn. I look in my rearview mirror and realize he's freaking out at me, waving his hands and just laying on that damn horn so aggressively that everything has stopped and everyone is looking at him. I gave that asshole the finger like I have never given anyone the finger before, assuming at some point here he would realize that human beings are crossing the street and I'm not about to hit them?? Nope.... in the amount of time it took 2 able bodied people to cross the street that jag laid on the horn. I began to drive through the intersection and he floored it, not waiting his turn at all at a 4 way stop and just tailing me through the intersection. Side note, at no point in time here have I stopped giving him the finger. I was wishing and willing that there was some other way I could tell him off while operating a moving vehicle. The finger today was just not cutting it. So buddy tails me all the way to the parking lot and just for added emphasis lays on the horn once again as I turn in to park my little blue honda fit with the words CAR SHARE and flowers emblazoned all over it. Seriously. It was, by far, one of the strangest driving experiences I've ever had. And came so completely out of the blue that I"m still kind of hazy about the whole thing. From there, I parked the car and started to walk. Then I started to cry because that asshole hurt my feelings, and I was so upset to have just encountered so much anger and nastiness directed directly at me (and maybe the pedestrians, I don't know). And all I could think of was, I hope that shit drives his car directly into a cement wall. And I don't want to feel that way. That's not helpful. AND, it's so cold out today. It was a cold, long, hard walk and that asshole made me all tense and stressed.

So I'm all in my own little sad and confused world as I'm walking (I'm assuming the hormones are at play here?? Seriously dude, I'm 9 months pregnant) and I hear someone yell out, "Congratulations on your upcoming baby!" I look around and a homeless man is standing directly across the street from me, smiling and waving at me.  Wow. Snapped back to reality and humanity just like that. And it's so cold out today and doesn't he have more to be upset about than either myself or jag in the white car? Yes, I think he does.

What a weird day.

expectations IX

Here's what's been happening lately as we wait for you to get here:

We had Christmas in Cape Breton with all of our family. It was a great Christmas. Everyone talked about you a lot. You even got presents. And a stocking!

Your dad & I celebrated New Years together. It's 2012 and we're ready to meet you!

 You & me at 37 weeks. We're growing and growing and growing. You still move all the time, especially at night when your dad & I are relaxing on the couch. Sometimes when I put my hand on my belly it feels like I can feel you breathing. I don't know if that's what it is or not, but I like to think so. 

Your cousin Rory bought you pajamas. These are them. He's so excited to meet you. I think you are going to think he's amazing and the best cousin ever. 

So we're all ready when you are. You have so many people in your life that can't wait to meet you. Your dad & I feel pretty special, and I know you will too once you're here. I will do my best to get you here as safely as possible, and if you could try for a speedy delivery I would really appreciate it. I'll buy you something awesome when you're 16. Please go easy on me. 

new year.

January has finally arrived. This is our big month.

I'm feeling... weird. Not how I thought I would feel at all. I'm so anxious to meet her and greet this whole labour & delivery process, but at the same time will miss being pregnant and feeling her move inside me. I'm excited and confident and terrified and scared all at the same time (I'm assuming hormones are a contributing factor here). I can't believe how tired I am all the time. My body no longer feels like my body. I pulled a muscle getting out of bed the other day. For crying out loud! Getting out of bed. But at the same time, you can't help but stand in awe of this whole process. And feel completely humbled.

Which means on the agenda for today: prenatal massage, leftover Indian food, couch, "He's Just Not That Into You", and possibly "Going the Distance" and nachos. Everyone keeps telling me to slow down and take it easy. So I think I'll listen today.

do you play enough?

Trailer - SERIOUSLY! The Future depends on play from Gwen Gordon on Vimeo.

Fun little video about the importance of play. Wouldn't it be great if play was something that we actually valued in our society?

scare.

The joke over Christmas was that I would go into labour while in Cape Breton, delivering in the backwoods of Judique, or, at the very least, the hospital in Sydney. Luckily, that did not happen. The week that we were in CB she was very busy, I felt movements like I've never felt before: strong, intense, definitely following a pattern of activity. While sitting on the couch in Judique I watched her little leg travel across my belly. It was amazing. Pregnancy completely amazes me.

On the morning of the 31st we had our first terrifying experience as parents and began to realize how fully our lives will change once she's here. The night we got home I noticed that she wasn't moving at all, the things I had gotten used to feeling each evening laying on the couch weren't happening. I wondered if she was sleeping, I've read that past 36 weeks they begin to go into a regular pattern of waking and sleeping... maybe she was tired from the drive? News Year Eve day we woke up and walked down to the market and I realized I still wasn't feeling her moving. Now her regular morning routine wasn't happening either. I came home, layed down, drank a cold glass of water and began to wait to feel her. Also at this point, it's recommended that you monitor the movements, as you should feel between 6-10 in an hour. Little baby girl wasn't moving at all. Matthew had gone across the street for a cappucino and newspaper and I decided to phone the after hours number at the IWK for some advice. Upon hearing the friendly voice of the nurse on the other end I burst into tears and explained how worried I was that I couldn't feel my baby moving. Every horror story that every person and stranger has felt the need to share with me over the past 9 months was running through my brain constantly and I realized I was really scared. She told me to come in immediately. So we had our first trial run of getting to the hospital: I phoned Matthew, he ran out of the cafe and was here in 2 minutes, he phoned a cab, here in 5 minutes, at the hospital in less than 15 minutes.

I was assessed and admitted and the absolutely wonderful and amazing nurses at the IWK monitored her and I for 2 hours to ensure that her heartbeat was strong (yes!) her movements were regular (yes!) and that I was not experiencing contractions (no!).  In addition to being a trial run of getting to the hospital quickly, it also calmed some of my fears about actually being in the hospital, as the nurses were so completely lovely and wonderful. So lovely. We also realized, holy shit, she could be born today. Luckily, she wasn't. The doctor did tell me that she has the potential to be coming along at any time now, as she suspected that the absence of movement, followed by a very different feeling of movement most likely means that she's running of room and getting ready to come. Needless to say, last night we wrote out our birth plan, posted taxi numbers, put our doulas number in our phones, I'm washing all of her clothes today, and our hospital bags are now packed. No more s-ing around. She's coming!

But just like some of the thoughts I was having before we went for our ultrasound to determine if we were having a boy or girl, I realized again how much other people get into your head. And how unfair and useless that is at a time when you are trying to wrap your own head about what is happening. Also, how it seems to be a much more common experience to share the negative as opposed to the good. I've begun to ask people to stop telling me their horror stories of pregnancy, labour & delivery. Of their stresses of being brand new parents. And when I do, I feel them tense or look at me strangely. Or ignore me and continue as they think I'm being funny or ironic. I also make a point of thanking the people that share their joys and successes with us. I don't particularly care for peoples opinions most of the time, and do my best to keep my own thoughts to myself or those that are closest to me. I don't watch horror movies or scary movies for a reason: I can never forget them. And when people tell me equally scary things about giving birth, I have a habit of not forgetting them either.

So maybe I'm doing the same thing by sharing my scary story, I don't know. But the doctor and nurses all told us we did the right thing by coming in and to trust my intuition and be aware of myself and this little girl inside of me. All things that I've strived to do for the last 9 months as I get to know myself better, her, and my own body. And for M. and I, this was our first real learning experience as parents together. A realization of what that feeling is, when you're a parent. And we rocked it. Together.

Happy 2012 friends. I'm looking forward to a crazy year.