expectations XV.

Dear Sofie,

You were born on Monday, February 6, 2012 at 2.23pm. You came on your own time and helped me have the most amazing birth with you. You were 6 days late and I was terrified that I would have to be induced to get you here. I realize now I had absolutely nothing to worry about, and wish I hadn't doubted myself and you in my last days of pregnancy.

Here is your story:

Last Sunday was Superbowl Sunday. Your dad and I watched the half time show (Madonna) but that was about it. It was a pretty unremarkable evening. I didn't 'feel' anything different. We went to bed with the idea that we have another week of waiting, followed by a trip to the IWK to begin the induction process the following Monday. I was one day away from being 42 weeks pregnant. I was feeling really defeated but trying so hard to stay positive.

I woke up at 12.35am in pain and quickly realized I was having contractions! I got up for a few minutes, got scared, and went back to bed, just in case they were nothing. I woke up at 1.35am with more intense pain, got up and realized, oh my God, this is it, I'm in labour. My plan all along was to labour at home for as long as possible, which I'm so happy to say that we did. I decided not to wake up your dad because I knew it would be a long night and day and I thought at least one of us should get some sleep. It seemed like a good idea in my head. I kept myself busy doing all of the things that the doula and I had talked about doing in early labour: I made a batch of muffins and I did two loads of laundry. When the contractions came I got down on my yoga mat and worked through them. I used your dad's iPhone to keep track of them. I had a bath because things started to get more intense. I should have woken up your dad at this point. The tub was great and I began to think that maybe I could have a water birth and just go ahead and have you in the tub. Why not.

The contractions weren't anything like what I thought they would be. They were different from everything that I had read. I wasn't prepared for that.

By the time I got out of the tub things were progressing quickly and my contractions were around 3 to 4 minutes apart. I was having trouble walking and felt like I was going to throw up after each one. I woke up your dad and he was shocked to see that not only was it happening, I was in labour, but it was damn time to get to the hospital. I wish I had given him more time to prepare. We quickly got what we needed, I emailed your Nana, and we set off at 6.30am.

One we arrived and got checked in everything moved along so well. I was assessed and told I was in Active Labour (stage two!). We got in the tub and stayed there forever. I had no concept of time, I had no concept of the environment around me. I had your dad by my side and our doula Elyse and without them, we wouldn't have had the birth that we did. They kept me grounded and focused and believed in me. Our doctor and nurse were also extraordinary. Everyone supported me so much to get you here naturally. I had a whole team of supporters. We both did.

We worked through hours of labour, breathing in and out, me not believing that I was doing what I was doing, convinced that things weren't actually progressing and that everyone was lying to me to get me through it. I kept thinking, once I get through this next part, I'll ask for drugs. But I kept coming back to the moment and working through each contraction as they came. Each one was one closer to you being born.

When I finally got out of the tub I was fully dilated and told I could start pushing. I was shocked. I cried and cried at this point. I couldn't believe it. I just couldn't. For the first time I looked at the clock and it was 1pm. In my head I told myself, okay, she'll be here at 1.30pm. You can do this, just push for a half hour. I don't know why I thought it would take a half hour, but it got me through. The pushing was so hard. I was convinced that the entire birthing floor could hear me and I was terrifying those around me who weren't at the pushing stage yet. I kept waiting for someone to tell me to be quiet. They didn't.

I had your dad on one side of me and Elyse on the other. I'm pretty sure I was holding onto both of them. I know they were holding onto me. I kept thinking (and probably screaming) I cant' believe I'm doing this. Once I got the hang of the 'right push' I did about 5 or 6 of them and then you were here! You were just here. I looked down and saw you and in a split second you were on my chest and in my arms. I saw your ear and head first and thought how perfect they looked. You have tiny perfect ears and a very nicely shaped little head. You are beautiful.

We layed together for almost 2 hours. I kept waiting for them to take you to weigh you and do all the 'stuff' that they have to do. But they didn't. They just let me hold you. Your eyes were wide open and you were so alert. We stared at eachother for so long and I felt like you had been waiting to meet me too. All of a sudden, there you were.

And now you are ours. We've had an amazing week with you and I'm so happy you're here. You have completely filled us up with love.

Happy Birth-day Sofie. It was magical.

Love,
Mama.