confidence.

Our baby girl has been here for just over two weeks. Two weeks! I find that confusing and exciting and overwhelming and shocking. We thought we were so ready for her. Ha! I get it now, sleep deprivation is completley inexplicable. Because on top of experiencing that, you are doing the most important job in the world, and doing it without one clue of how to go about it. I think it says something about humans (mamas especially) that more of us don't completely loose our minds.

I can say with confidence that this has been the hardest two weeks of my life. I learned so much about myself from her birth: how I handle pain, how I cope with fear, and most importantly, what I can do. What I'm capable of. When it was happening, not one bone or ounce of my body or mind thought that I could continue on and succeed with a natural child birth. I battled with my head every single step of the way. For almost the entire labour I couldn't make eye contact with Matthew or our doula. I went to another place, focused completely on my body and breathed in and out. I knew if I really looked at either one of them, I would have a breakdown. I would cry, I would want them to help me, to make it stop, whatever. Deep in my head I knew it was just me and I had to get through it. And I did. When it was all over I looked at her and thought, we are warriors the 2 of us. We just did that together. And we are really friggen strong.

Since then, I've felt like I have lost every ounce of self confidence that I've ever had. For a variety of different reasons, I've felt helpless, like I have know idea how to care for this baby, and without a doubt that absolutely everything I've done is wrong. A variety of factors have contributed to this, I think. Namely, my hormones. But breastfeeding has been challening for us since the beginning, despite the nurses in the hospital telling me she was a superstar, latching on amazing well and a natural. The challenges we've had have really gotten me down. I've reached out to every resource for support and am so grateful that I have. Countless friends have shared their stories and encouraged me. We had a visit from a public health nurse. I've gone to 2 breastfeeding support groups, both with lactation consultants. Matthew has set off for the library on his bicycle in the rain to get me books and videos. I have been so completely supported with this, and yet I've still felt like absolute shit about everything I've done.

When Sofie as 4 days old I took her to our family doctor to be checked out, as instructed by the IWK. I now realize I can thank her for directly contributing to how I've been feeling. I couldn't have had a worse appointment, at a worse time with a worse doctor. Looking back, I realize leading up to that how great I felt. I didn't get the 3 day in 'baby blues'... I felt great. Scared about new mama stuff, but great. I left that appointment feeling completely defeated, and man, did that shit get in my head. She told me nothing about Sofie, nothing about her measurements, what she was doing, or why. I told her Sofie cried when she got her diaper changed, she told me I had a colicky baby. I told her breastfeeding was extremely painful. She told me that wasn't an issue with Sofie, it was an issue with me, and she was there to discuss Sofie, not me. We would get to me later. Surprisingly, we never did. When I brought it up again, she told me to forget about breastfeeding and start pumping, that way my husband could start helping with the feedings. Sofie screamed and wailed during her short examination, I dressed her and began to rock her. The doctor looked at me and said "don't do that'. I was sure I didn't hear her correctly so I said, "pardon?". She repeated, "Don't do that. Don't rock her. She needs to learn to settle on her own. You are setting yourself up for bad behaviours down the line". Sofie was 4 days old. I think that pretty much sums up the appointment I had with her. I left feeling so confused and absolutely speechless.

Since that Friday Matthew has come home from work more days that I'd like to mention to find me sobbing on the couch, on the stability ball, or in bed with a screaming baby, not having one idea how to help her or soothe her. I've been in a fog for 2 weeks.

Fast forward to today and us coming home from the most amazing appointment with our new pediatrician that you could ever imagine. I don't think I have words to explain how wonderful it was. I feel fresh. I feel new. I feel calm. I feel like I can look at our baby without crying. I can talk about breastfeeding or her being colicky without sobbing. I understand what colic is. I know what I can do to help her. I know now that she is one gassy baby and that I need to burp her all the time! I know that at least part of our breastfeeding problem has been thrush. I know that at least part of her crying has been that one nostril is stuffy. I know that our baby is thriving! I also know that her head size is in the top 97th percentile. Yowza! I thought it was such a cute little head when I saw her. I know now she has the Farris head. The doctor actually congratulated me on a job well done with a head that big! He spent an hour with us, explaining everything you could ever imagine to us. He gave us his home phone number for crying out loud! Completely surreal.

But the biggest thing that happened today was that I got my confidence back and I feel like I can be the mom that I'm supposed to be. The mom that Sofie needs. The partner that Matthew needs. Not a crying mess of a person.

Unfortunately, there is nothing in any book that can prepare your for your feelings, your experiences, or what your baby brings to the table in these first few weeks. I get that. And I thank so many friends and family members for taking the time to try to explain things to me, for listening, for helping, for supporting. Thank you. I"m so excited to be Sofie's mom..