Our baby girl has been here for just over two weeks. Two weeks! I find that confusing and exciting and overwhelming and shocking. We thought we were so ready for her. Ha! I get it now, sleep deprivation is completley inexplicable. Because on top of experiencing that, you are doing the most important job in the world, and doing it without one clue of how to go about it. I think it says something about humans (mamas especially) that more of us don't completely loose our minds.
I can say with confidence that this has been the hardest two weeks of my life. I learned so much about myself from her birth: how I handle pain, how I cope with fear, and most importantly, what I can do. What I'm capable of. When it was happening, not one bone or ounce of my body or mind thought that I could continue on and succeed with a natural child birth. I battled with my head every single step of the way. For almost the entire labour I couldn't make eye contact with Matthew or our doula. I went to another place, focused completely on my body and breathed in and out. I knew if I really looked at either one of them, I would have a breakdown. I would cry, I would want them to help me, to make it stop, whatever. Deep in my head I knew it was just me and I had to get through it. And I did. When it was all over I looked at her and thought, we are warriors the 2 of us. We just did that together. And we are really friggen strong.
Since then, I've felt like I have lost every ounce of self confidence that I've ever had. For a variety of different reasons, I've felt helpless, like I have know idea how to care for this baby, and without a doubt that absolutely everything I've done is wrong. A variety of factors have contributed to this, I think. Namely, my hormones. But breastfeeding has been challening for us since the beginning, despite the nurses in the hospital telling me she was a superstar, latching on amazing well and a natural. The challenges we've had have really gotten me down. I've reached out to every resource for support and am so grateful that I have. Countless friends have shared their stories and encouraged me. We had a visit from a public health nurse. I've gone to 2 breastfeeding support groups, both with lactation consultants. Matthew has set off for the library on his bicycle in the rain to get me books and videos. I have been so completely supported with this, and yet I've still felt like absolute shit about everything I've done.
When Sofie as 4 days old I took her to our family doctor to be checked out, as instructed by the IWK. I now realize I can thank her for directly contributing to how I've been feeling. I couldn't have had a worse appointment, at a worse time with a worse doctor. Looking back, I realize leading up to that how great I felt. I didn't get the 3 day in 'baby blues'... I felt great. Scared about new mama stuff, but great. I left that appointment feeling completely defeated, and man, did that shit get in my head. She told me nothing about Sofie, nothing about her measurements, what she was doing, or why. I told her Sofie cried when she got her diaper changed, she told me I had a colicky baby. I told her breastfeeding was extremely painful. She told me that wasn't an issue with Sofie, it was an issue with me, and she was there to discuss Sofie, not me. We would get to me later. Surprisingly, we never did. When I brought it up again, she told me to forget about breastfeeding and start pumping, that way my husband could start helping with the feedings. Sofie screamed and wailed during her short examination, I dressed her and began to rock her. The doctor looked at me and said "don't do that'. I was sure I didn't hear her correctly so I said, "pardon?". She repeated, "Don't do that. Don't rock her. She needs to learn to settle on her own. You are setting yourself up for bad behaviours down the line". Sofie was 4 days old. I think that pretty much sums up the appointment I had with her. I left feeling so confused and absolutely speechless.
Since that Friday Matthew has come home from work more days that I'd like to mention to find me sobbing on the couch, on the stability ball, or in bed with a screaming baby, not having one idea how to help her or soothe her. I've been in a fog for 2 weeks.
Fast forward to today and us coming home from the most amazing appointment with our new pediatrician that you could ever imagine. I don't think I have words to explain how wonderful it was. I feel fresh. I feel new. I feel calm. I feel like I can look at our baby without crying. I can talk about breastfeeding or her being colicky without sobbing. I understand what colic is. I know what I can do to help her. I know now that she is one gassy baby and that I need to burp her all the time! I know that at least part of our breastfeeding problem has been thrush. I know that at least part of her crying has been that one nostril is stuffy. I know that our baby is thriving! I also know that her head size is in the top 97th percentile. Yowza! I thought it was such a cute little head when I saw her. I know now she has the Farris head. The doctor actually congratulated me on a job well done with a head that big! He spent an hour with us, explaining everything you could ever imagine to us. He gave us his home phone number for crying out loud! Completely surreal.
But the biggest thing that happened today was that I got my confidence back and I feel like I can be the mom that I'm supposed to be. The mom that Sofie needs. The partner that Matthew needs. Not a crying mess of a person.
Unfortunately, there is nothing in any book that can prepare your for your feelings, your experiences, or what your baby brings to the table in these first few weeks. I get that. And I thank so many friends and family members for taking the time to try to explain things to me, for listening, for helping, for supporting. Thank you. I"m so excited to be Sofie's mom..
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
expectations XV.
Dear Sofie,
You were born on Monday, February 6, 2012 at 2.23pm. You came on your own time and helped me have the most amazing birth with you. You were 6 days late and I was terrified that I would have to be induced to get you here. I realize now I had absolutely nothing to worry about, and wish I hadn't doubted myself and you in my last days of pregnancy.
Here is your story:
Last Sunday was Superbowl Sunday. Your dad and I watched the half time show (Madonna) but that was about it. It was a pretty unremarkable evening. I didn't 'feel' anything different. We went to bed with the idea that we have another week of waiting, followed by a trip to the IWK to begin the induction process the following Monday. I was one day away from being 42 weeks pregnant. I was feeling really defeated but trying so hard to stay positive.
I woke up at 12.35am in pain and quickly realized I was having contractions! I got up for a few minutes, got scared, and went back to bed, just in case they were nothing. I woke up at 1.35am with more intense pain, got up and realized, oh my God, this is it, I'm in labour. My plan all along was to labour at home for as long as possible, which I'm so happy to say that we did. I decided not to wake up your dad because I knew it would be a long night and day and I thought at least one of us should get some sleep. It seemed like a good idea in my head. I kept myself busy doing all of the things that the doula and I had talked about doing in early labour: I made a batch of muffins and I did two loads of laundry. When the contractions came I got down on my yoga mat and worked through them. I used your dad's iPhone to keep track of them. I had a bath because things started to get more intense. I should have woken up your dad at this point. The tub was great and I began to think that maybe I could have a water birth and just go ahead and have you in the tub. Why not.
The contractions weren't anything like what I thought they would be. They were different from everything that I had read. I wasn't prepared for that.
By the time I got out of the tub things were progressing quickly and my contractions were around 3 to 4 minutes apart. I was having trouble walking and felt like I was going to throw up after each one. I woke up your dad and he was shocked to see that not only was it happening, I was in labour, but it was damn time to get to the hospital. I wish I had given him more time to prepare. We quickly got what we needed, I emailed your Nana, and we set off at 6.30am.
One we arrived and got checked in everything moved along so well. I was assessed and told I was in Active Labour (stage two!). We got in the tub and stayed there forever. I had no concept of time, I had no concept of the environment around me. I had your dad by my side and our doula Elyse and without them, we wouldn't have had the birth that we did. They kept me grounded and focused and believed in me. Our doctor and nurse were also extraordinary. Everyone supported me so much to get you here naturally. I had a whole team of supporters. We both did.
We worked through hours of labour, breathing in and out, me not believing that I was doing what I was doing, convinced that things weren't actually progressing and that everyone was lying to me to get me through it. I kept thinking, once I get through this next part, I'll ask for drugs. But I kept coming back to the moment and working through each contraction as they came. Each one was one closer to you being born.
When I finally got out of the tub I was fully dilated and told I could start pushing. I was shocked. I cried and cried at this point. I couldn't believe it. I just couldn't. For the first time I looked at the clock and it was 1pm. In my head I told myself, okay, she'll be here at 1.30pm. You can do this, just push for a half hour. I don't know why I thought it would take a half hour, but it got me through. The pushing was so hard. I was convinced that the entire birthing floor could hear me and I was terrifying those around me who weren't at the pushing stage yet. I kept waiting for someone to tell me to be quiet. They didn't.
I had your dad on one side of me and Elyse on the other. I'm pretty sure I was holding onto both of them. I know they were holding onto me. I kept thinking (and probably screaming) I cant' believe I'm doing this. Once I got the hang of the 'right push' I did about 5 or 6 of them and then you were here! You were just here. I looked down and saw you and in a split second you were on my chest and in my arms. I saw your ear and head first and thought how perfect they looked. You have tiny perfect ears and a very nicely shaped little head. You are beautiful.
We layed together for almost 2 hours. I kept waiting for them to take you to weigh you and do all the 'stuff' that they have to do. But they didn't. They just let me hold you. Your eyes were wide open and you were so alert. We stared at eachother for so long and I felt like you had been waiting to meet me too. All of a sudden, there you were.
And now you are ours. We've had an amazing week with you and I'm so happy you're here. You have completely filled us up with love.
Happy Birth-day Sofie. It was magical.
Love,
Mama.
You were born on Monday, February 6, 2012 at 2.23pm. You came on your own time and helped me have the most amazing birth with you. You were 6 days late and I was terrified that I would have to be induced to get you here. I realize now I had absolutely nothing to worry about, and wish I hadn't doubted myself and you in my last days of pregnancy.
Here is your story:
Last Sunday was Superbowl Sunday. Your dad and I watched the half time show (Madonna) but that was about it. It was a pretty unremarkable evening. I didn't 'feel' anything different. We went to bed with the idea that we have another week of waiting, followed by a trip to the IWK to begin the induction process the following Monday. I was one day away from being 42 weeks pregnant. I was feeling really defeated but trying so hard to stay positive.
I woke up at 12.35am in pain and quickly realized I was having contractions! I got up for a few minutes, got scared, and went back to bed, just in case they were nothing. I woke up at 1.35am with more intense pain, got up and realized, oh my God, this is it, I'm in labour. My plan all along was to labour at home for as long as possible, which I'm so happy to say that we did. I decided not to wake up your dad because I knew it would be a long night and day and I thought at least one of us should get some sleep. It seemed like a good idea in my head. I kept myself busy doing all of the things that the doula and I had talked about doing in early labour: I made a batch of muffins and I did two loads of laundry. When the contractions came I got down on my yoga mat and worked through them. I used your dad's iPhone to keep track of them. I had a bath because things started to get more intense. I should have woken up your dad at this point. The tub was great and I began to think that maybe I could have a water birth and just go ahead and have you in the tub. Why not.
The contractions weren't anything like what I thought they would be. They were different from everything that I had read. I wasn't prepared for that.
By the time I got out of the tub things were progressing quickly and my contractions were around 3 to 4 minutes apart. I was having trouble walking and felt like I was going to throw up after each one. I woke up your dad and he was shocked to see that not only was it happening, I was in labour, but it was damn time to get to the hospital. I wish I had given him more time to prepare. We quickly got what we needed, I emailed your Nana, and we set off at 6.30am.
One we arrived and got checked in everything moved along so well. I was assessed and told I was in Active Labour (stage two!). We got in the tub and stayed there forever. I had no concept of time, I had no concept of the environment around me. I had your dad by my side and our doula Elyse and without them, we wouldn't have had the birth that we did. They kept me grounded and focused and believed in me. Our doctor and nurse were also extraordinary. Everyone supported me so much to get you here naturally. I had a whole team of supporters. We both did.
We worked through hours of labour, breathing in and out, me not believing that I was doing what I was doing, convinced that things weren't actually progressing and that everyone was lying to me to get me through it. I kept thinking, once I get through this next part, I'll ask for drugs. But I kept coming back to the moment and working through each contraction as they came. Each one was one closer to you being born.
When I finally got out of the tub I was fully dilated and told I could start pushing. I was shocked. I cried and cried at this point. I couldn't believe it. I just couldn't. For the first time I looked at the clock and it was 1pm. In my head I told myself, okay, she'll be here at 1.30pm. You can do this, just push for a half hour. I don't know why I thought it would take a half hour, but it got me through. The pushing was so hard. I was convinced that the entire birthing floor could hear me and I was terrifying those around me who weren't at the pushing stage yet. I kept waiting for someone to tell me to be quiet. They didn't.
I had your dad on one side of me and Elyse on the other. I'm pretty sure I was holding onto both of them. I know they were holding onto me. I kept thinking (and probably screaming) I cant' believe I'm doing this. Once I got the hang of the 'right push' I did about 5 or 6 of them and then you were here! You were just here. I looked down and saw you and in a split second you were on my chest and in my arms. I saw your ear and head first and thought how perfect they looked. You have tiny perfect ears and a very nicely shaped little head. You are beautiful.
We layed together for almost 2 hours. I kept waiting for them to take you to weigh you and do all the 'stuff' that they have to do. But they didn't. They just let me hold you. Your eyes were wide open and you were so alert. We stared at eachother for so long and I felt like you had been waiting to meet me too. All of a sudden, there you were.
And now you are ours. We've had an amazing week with you and I'm so happy you're here. You have completely filled us up with love.
Happy Birth-day Sofie. It was magical.
Love,
Mama.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
expectations XIV.
Dear Baby,
I realized this morning that you're not here yet but you are already teaching me lessons. You're teaching me patience, which is probably a good thing. And not in a detached, oh, I'm such an impatient person kind of way. But real patience. A deeper understanding of what it means to wait, to accept, and to respect you. I hope it's a lesson I remember once you're here. Especially when you're two. And fourteen through sixteen. If not, I can refer back to here and hopefully remember what it felt like to have that realization on a cold February morning, taking a long walk, just you and me, trying to do everything that I can do on my end to help you and love you and get you here safely and naturally.
Love Mama.
I realized this morning that you're not here yet but you are already teaching me lessons. You're teaching me patience, which is probably a good thing. And not in a detached, oh, I'm such an impatient person kind of way. But real patience. A deeper understanding of what it means to wait, to accept, and to respect you. I hope it's a lesson I remember once you're here. Especially when you're two. And fourteen through sixteen. If not, I can refer back to here and hopefully remember what it felt like to have that realization on a cold February morning, taking a long walk, just you and me, trying to do everything that I can do on my end to help you and love you and get you here safely and naturally.
Love Mama.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
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